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Toys for Tots. Its always been a huge blessing to my family - Google can tell you how to find them. Also, ask the school to sign you up for their christmas basket program if they have one. Also, remember, for the kids, it isnt about what you buy them. 5 Min after opening presents, they are already done with them. The fun for them is having something to open. So keep it simple, cheap and it wont matter. Make sure they have one really cool item and have them open that one last.

 The only christmas I really remember from my childhood is the one when we didnt have much money for presents. I got a furry glove with a tail - hand puppet thing, and a math n say toy. My favorite Christmas ever. Two things that I enjoyed very very much and played with for YEARS. My kids are the same. They love getting presents but they hardly play with anything they get. So I have decided to do this year what my mother did and be super thoughtful but frugal.

I really wish I had the money to send you for a powerchair, you seem like such a compassionate person -

 I am curious though, were you ever able to get gifts for your boys? I have been in similar situations before and its so hard to be there. I might be able to help out with a little something - even though my arrival to this website was a bit too late, maybe they wont know the difference. Let me know.

I dont even know where to begin. My life has been full of bad luck. Every time I turn around something devastating brings me to my knees.  After I finally find my way back up, something pushes me down again.  Let me say first of all, I am a very faithful person. I believe in God, but I cant see Him anywhere.  I have faithfully called out to Him, thanking him for blessings and crying out for His help during the hard times.  I have never turned away from my beliefs and I think most people in my life consider me crazy for that.

 My mom and dad fought constantly until I was put in the hospital with appendicitus and almost died, then they got divorced. My mother moved us to oregon when I was 8 years old. My father died when I was 11 years old. At 13, I had back surgery to put rods in to keep my spine from curving any more than it already was, though at that point, I already had somewhat of a hump on my back. Around the same time, I was being molested by a friend's father who was put in prison for years when I finally told. At 16, I started making my own choices and was pretty happy with life up until I turned 18 and started college. I ended up pregnant and quit school to be a mother. Five months after my daughter was born, my mother died from colon cancer. My sister moved away from me immediately after the death of our mother.

I went from one bad relationship to another really just wanting to be loved since it seemed like everyone in my life was gone. The best relationship I have been in was with a man who hit me and threatened to kill me - it was a messed up relationship for sure, but ironically, I can't say I have ever loved another man as much or as passionately before or after that relationship.  After we broke up, I turned to a friend - a man who had been in my life since I was 16 years old, who said he had been in love with me since the day we met.   By that time, I had four children and just wanted some stability and security. So, we dated for a bit and got married.  By the same time the following year we had had another child.

A year after that, when my oldest child was 8 years old, she told me that my husband had been molesting her at night ever since the day we got married.  So, I confronted him and gave him a chance to deny it. He did not. He just looked at me. I could tell he was guilty so I told him that I would call the police and he could choose to explain to them or leave. He chose to leave and didn't take anything at all with him.

I moved my children a state away and waited - It took the police nearly a year to find him. His mother would lie to them every time they came looking for him at her home.  It took another year for them to set a date for the trial. By that time, my daughter had 2 years to block it out and 2 years of therapy and such. The officials had asked me to not talk to her about it unless she started the conversation so I never did. By the time we went to trial, she didn't remember some of the things he had done to her, but the basic story was the same ~ Yet the jury could not unanimously agree that he was guilty and so the result was a mistrial. He was not found guilty, nor not guilty. The DA decided against a retrial and allowed him to walk.

He has since remarried and has another baby daughter. He and his new wife are trying to get custody of the child we had together.

 So maybe you are asking what I want. Well I want some good luck. I am sick of everything I touch turning to crap, of the decisions I make with care being the wrong ones. I am SICK of being scared and tormented with my past. I am sick of not being able to trust myself or anyone else. I havent been in a relationship in 4 years. I don't want my last memories of love and sex to be the images in my head of my ex husband touching my daughter. I want a life I can be proud of. I am a good person and I dont believe I deserve this hand that has been dealt to me.  So I want a new one. I want a new life. I want to be able to wake up and not worry about what is waiting outside the door, or about what is gonna slam me to my knees again. I want happiness and I used to believe it is a state of mind but now I am asking myself - how can I possibly be happy now?  I have been in therapy and heard the therapist's own wonder at how I havent already become suicidal or completely insane. Well, I am not insane. I am still hopeful. I am still optimistic and I still believe that all this crap has happened to ME for a reason. For the life of me, though, I cant figure out what it is. I dont know what I am supposed to do from here. Everytime I think I have it all figured out, I screw everything up again.